She asked, "What are all those clocks?"
St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."
"Oh," said Hillary, "whose clock is that?"
"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved to indicate that she never told a lie."
"And Who's clock is that?"
"That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have only moved twice telling us that Abe only told 2 lies in his entire life."
"Where's Bill's clock?" Hillary asked.
"Bill's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."
---------------
A doctor was having an affair with his nurse.
Shortly afterward, she told him she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there.
"But how will I let you know the baby is born?" she asked. He replied, "Just send me a postcard and write "spaghetti" on the back." "I'll take care of the child's expenses. Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy.
Six months went by and then one day the doctor's wife called him at the office and explained, "Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don't understand what it means."
The doctor said, "Just wait until I get home, and I will explain it to you". Later that evening the doctor came home, read the postcard, fell to the floor with a heart attack. Paramedics rushed him to the ER.
The lead medic stayed back to comfort the wife. He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest. So the wife picked up the card and read:
"Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti - Two with sausage and meatballs, two without."
---------------------
One day, an American was touring Spain. After his day's sightseeing, he stopped at a local restaurant. While sipping his wine, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, but the smell was also wonderful. He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?" The waiter replied, "Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are bulls balls from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!"
The American, though momentarily daunted when he learned the origin of the dish said, "What the heck, I'm on vacation! Bring me an order!"
The waiter replied, "I am so sorry, senor. There is only one serving a day since there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to serve you this delicacy!"
The next morning, the American returned, placed his order and was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, He called the waiter and said, "These are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!"
The waiter promptly replied, "Si, senor! Sometimes the bull dies, sometimes men dies!"
----------------------
Stress Reliever # 1
Wife : You always carry my photo in your wallet to the office. Why?
Hubby : When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.
Wife : You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you?
Hubby : Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, "What other problem can there be greater than this one?"
________________________________________________
Stress Reliever # 2
Girl : When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.
Boy : It's very kind of you, darling, But I don't have any worries or troubles.
Girl : Well that's because we aren't married yet.
____________________________________________________
Stress Reliever # 3
Son : Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up the seat to a lady.
Mum : Well, you have done the right thing.
Son : But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.
____________________________________________________
Stress Reliever # 4
Wife to husband : "What's your excuse for coming home at this time of the night?"
Husband to wife : "Golfing with friends, my dear."
Wife to husband : "What? At 2 a.m. ?!"
Husband to wife : "Yes, We used night clubs."
___________________________________________________
Stress Reliever # 5
A newly married man asked his wife, "Would u have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?"
"Honey," the woman replied sweetly, "I'd have married u NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE"
_____________________________________________________
Stress Reliever # 6
Father to son after the exam: "let me see your report card."
Son : "My friend just borrowed if. He wants to scare his parents."
___________________________________________________
Stress Reliever # 7
"How was your blind date?" a college student asked her roommate.
"Terrible!" the roommate answered. "He showed up in his 1932 Rolls Royce."
"Wow! That's a very expensive car. What's so bad about that?"
"He was the original owner."
____________________________________________________
Stress Reliever # 8
In a tiny village lived an old maid. In spite of her old age, she was still a virgin. She was very proud of it.
She knew her last days were getting closer, so she told the local undertaker that she wanted the following inscription on her tombstone: "Born as a virgin, lived as a virgin, died as a virgin."
Not long after, the old maid died peacefully, and the undertaker told his men what the lady had said.
The men went to carve it in, but as the lazy no-goods they were, they thought the inscription to be unnecessarily long.
They simply wrote: "Returned unopened."
-------------------------
A new employee is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory. The personnel manager explains her duties and tells her to report to work promptly at 8:00 AM. The next day at 8:45 AM, there's a knock at the personnel manager's door. The assembly line foreman comes in and starts ranting about this new employee. He says she's incredibly slow, and the whole line is backing up. The foreman takes the personnel manager down to the factory floor to show him the problem. Sure enough, Elmos are backed up all over the place. At the end of the line is the new employee. She has a roll of the material used for the Elmos and a big bag of marbles. They both watch as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles, and starts sewing the little package between Elmo's legs. The personnel manager starts laughing hysterically. After several minutes, he pulls himself together, walks over to the woman, and says, "I'm sorry, I guess you misunderstood me yesterday.
Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.
----------------------------
Once, there was a man who was upset by his past deeds that he decided to visit a church and confess all of his sins. When he arrived at the
church, he walked to the confession area and spoke to the pastor. "Father, I am sinful."
"Yes son, just tell me what have you done, the Lord will forgive you."
"Father, I have a steady relationship with my girlfriend, it's been 3 years and nothing serious ever happened between us."
"Yesterday, I visited her house, nobody was at home except for her sister. We were alone and I slept with her."
"That's bad my boy, fortunately, you realize your mistake."
"Father, last week I went to her office to look for her, but nobody was around except for one of her colleagues, so I slept with her too."
"That's not very good of you."
"Father, last month, I went to her uncle's house to look for her, nobody was around except for her auntie, and I slept with her too."
"Father?........."
"Father?"
Suddenly this guy realized that there was no response from the Father, he walked over and discovered that the Pastor was not there.
So he began searching for him. "Father? Where are you?" He searched high and low, and finally, he found him hiding under the table behind the piano.
"Father, why are you hiding here?"
"Sorry son, suddenly I remembered there is nobody around here except me."
-------------------------------
Three women die together in an accident and go to Heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in Heaven...don't step on the ducks."
So they enter Heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It's almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them the first woman accidentally steps on one.
Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"
The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck, along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing, and with him is another extremely ugly man.
He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.
The third woman has observed all this and not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, very careful where she steps.
She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks. One day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she ever laid eyes on....very tall, tan, muscular, and thin.
St. Peter chained them together without saying a word.
The woman remarks, " I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all eternity?"
The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck."
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A customer service rep, a sales rep and a vice president of a business software firm in a large city are walking through a park on their way to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke.
The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you just one."
"Me first! Me first!" says the customer service rep. "I want to
be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Poof! She's gone.
In astonishment, "Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life." Poof! He's gone.
"You're next," the Genie says to the vice president. The vice
president says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."
Moral of the story: Always Let your Boss have the first say.
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A middle-aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.
While on the operating table she had a near-death experience.
Seeing God, she asked, "Is my time up?"
God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live".
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a facelift, liposuction and a tummy tuck.
She even had someone come in and change the color of her hair.
Since she had so much time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.
After her last operation, she was released from the hospital.
While crossing the street on her way home she was killed by an ambulance.
Arriving in front of God, she demanded,
"I thought you said I had another 40+++ years to live. Why didn't you pull me from the path of the ambulance?"
God replied, "I didn't recognize you."
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A company, feeling it was time for a shake-up, hires a new CEO.
This new boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers.
On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall.
The room is full of workers and he thinks this is his chance to show everyone he means business!
The CEO, walks up the guy and asks - "and how much money do you make a week?"
Undaunted, the young fellow looks at him and replies, "I make $200.00 a week. Why?"
The CEO then hands the guy $200 in cash and screams "here's a week's pay, now GET OUT and don't come back!"
Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looks around the room and asks - "does anyone want to tell me what that slacker did here?"
With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters - "Pizza delivery guy".
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FAREWELL GIFT
It was a teacher's last day of service and all the students wanted to show their appreciation by giving gifts.
Cassidy, whose mom owned a chocolate shop, brought a box of fine gourmet truffles;
Steve, whose father was a florist, brought a bouquet of flowers;
and Charlie, whose father owned a liquor store, came in with a large box.
The teacher noticed that it was leaking on one side, let a drip spill on his finger, and took a taste. "Champagne?" asked the teacher.
Charlie said, "No."
"Brandy?" the teacher asked.
Again he said, "No."
Finally, the teacher said, "I give up, what did you get me?" Charlie with a smile said, "A puppy!"
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PARROT
This lady was in a pet shop when she spotted this parrot and fell in love with it as soon as she saw it.
She went to the shop owner and told him that she'd like to buy the bird.
He said he would sell it to her, but he warned her that the bird had been brought up from a chick in a brothel, and had picked up some of the lingoes.
The woman said that she'd still like to have to bird, her kids were old enough to tolerate any bad language. So she purchased the bird and took it home and put it in the lounge room.
When she took the cloth off the cage, the parrot gave a squawk, then said: "Wow, how about this, a new brothel and a new Madame!"
"I'm not your Madame, and this is not a brothel!" the woman exclaimed but laughed. A little after that her two daughters arrived home, at which the bird squawked again. "Wow, how about this, a new brothel, a new Madame, and two new whores!"
The girls were shocked, but they all had a laugh, after all, they could all see the funny side of things.
Afterward, the woman's husband comes home. At that, the bird said "Ah, how about this, a new brothel, a new Madame, two new whores, but the same old customers. How are ya, Tony?"
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WHAT'S THE NAME?
Joe, a college student, was taking a course in ornithology, the study of birds.
The night before the biggest test of the semester, Joe spent all night studying.
He had the textbook nearly memorized.
He knew his class notes backward and forward. Joe was ready.
On the morning of the test, Joe entered the auditorium and took a seat in the front row.
On the table in the front was a row of ten stuffed birds.
Each bird had a sack covering its body, and only the legs were showing.
When class started, the professor announced that the students were to identify each bird by looking at its legs and give its common name, species, habitat, mating habits, etc.
Joe looked at each of the birds' legs. They all looked the same to him.
He started to get angry. He had stayed up all night.
The more he thought about the situation, the angrier he got.
Finally, he reached his boiling point.
He stood up, marched up to the professor's desk, crumpled up his exam paper and threw it on the desk.
"What a ridiculous test!" he told the prof.
"How could anyone tell the difference between these birds by looking at their legs?
This exam is the biggest rip-off I've ever seen!"
With that, Joe turned and stormed toward the exit.
The professor was a bit shocked, and it took him a moment to regain his composure.
Then, just as Joe was about to walk out the door, the professor shouted out,
"Wait a minute, young man, what's your name?"
Joe turned around, pulled up his pant legs and hollered,
"You tell me, professor! You tell me!"
-----------------------------------------
An investment banker was on the pier of a small coastal village when a small boat with just one fisherman docked.
His boat was full of beautiful tuna.
The banker complimented the fisherman on his catch, asking how long it took to catch.
The fisherman replied, "only a short time."
The banker asked why not stay out and catch more.
The fisherman replied, "I've enough to feed my family."
The banker then ask what did the fisherman do in the rest of his time, he replied,
"I will sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, take a siesta with my wife, stroll into the village each evening, sip wine with my friends, play my guitar, I have a full and busy life."
The banker was not impressed. "I have a Harvard MBA and could help you.
You should spend more time fishing and with the proceeds buy a bigger boat and from those increases proceeds you could buy several boats and soon have a fleet.
Instead of selling ur fish to a middleman, you could control production, processing, and distribution by building your own cannery.
You could leave this small coastal village and move to the city and then to New York where you could run your expanding enterprise."
The fisherman asked, "How long will this take?"
The banker said, "10 to 20 years."
"But what then?"
"Next you would announce an IPO and sell your stock to the public, making millions and millions. Then you could retire to a small coastal village where you could sleep late, fish a little, play with your kids, take a siesta with your wife, Stroll to the village in the evenings, sip wine and play your guitar with your friends," said the banker smiling.
The fisherman looked puzzled, "I don't understand this, you are suggesting that I should go one big loop so as to end up where I am today, happily fishing on the cliff?"
Moral of the story
******************
Almost everyone here is constantly working to achieve happiness.
We all work hard, trying to earn more money.
What is the point of all this when we are not happy?
After all, we are forcing ourselves to work harder just to obtain happiness.
Are we all trying to be like the man above, going a full circle to end up being at the same place?
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The following is an actual question given on the University of Washington chemistry mid-term.
The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it.
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law,
(gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time.
So we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving.
I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave.
Therefore, no souls are leaving.
As for how many souls are entering Hell, let look at the different religions that exist in the world today.
Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell.
Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.
With birth and death rates as they are we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.
Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Teresa Banyan during my freshman year, "...that it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you."
And take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her,
then, #2 cannot be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and will not freeze.
The student received the only "A"
----------------------------------------------------
An elderly couple went to watch a contest for the strongest bull.
After the contest they went to the 3rd prize bull's owner, wanting to know what his secret was.
The woman asked; "How do you make your bull so strong?"
The owner said; "You have to make sure the bull makes love once a week."
The woman turned to her husband and said; "See!"
The old man was displeased but said nothing.
They then went to the 2nd prize bull's owner and the old woman asked the same question, to which the owner replied; "You must make sure your bull makes love 2 or 3 times a week."
Again the woman turned to her husband and said; "See! See!"
The old man was annoyed but remained silent.
They then went to the 1st prize bull's owner and again the old woman asked the same question.
The reply was; "You must make sure your bull makes love at least once every day."
The woman turned to her husband and said;"See! See! See!".
This time the old man got angry and asked the owner;
"But does your bull always make love to the same cow?"
The owner replied; "No, no. Many many cows."
The old man quickly turned to the old woman and said; "See! See! See! See!" ^-^
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CIA
^^^^
A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin.
These highly classified positions are hard to fill, and there's a lot of testing and background checks involved before you can even be considered for the position.
After sending some applicants through the background checks, training, and testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to 2 men and a woman, but only one position was available.
The day came for the final test to see which person would get an extremely secretive job.
The CIA men administering the test took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances" they explained. "Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her."
The man got a shocked look on his face and said, "You can't be serious! I could never shoot my own wife!"
"Well", says the CIA man, "You're definitely not the right man for this job then."
So they bring the second man to the same door and hand him a gun. "We must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances", they explained to the second man. "Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her."
The second man looked a bit shocked, but nevertheless took the gun and went in the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes, then the door opened.
The man came out of the room with tears in his eyes. "I tried to shoot her, I just couldn't pull the trigger and shoot my wife. I guess I'm not the right man for the job."
"No" the CIA man replied, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."
Now they're down to the woman left to test.
Again they lead her to the same door to the same room and handed her the same gun. "We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances, this is your final test. Inside you will find your husband sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him."
The woman took the gun and opened the door. Before the door even closed all the way, the CIA men heard the gun start firing. One-shot after another for 13 shots. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. This went on for several minutes, then all went quiet.
The door opened slowly, and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks! I had to beat him to death with the chair!"
--------------------------------------------
Losing Memory
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other, "Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?"
"Outstanding," Fred replied. "They taught us all the latest psychological techniques-visualization, association-it has made a big difference for me."
"That's great! What was the name of that clinic?"
Fred went blank. He thought and thought but couldn't remember.
Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, "What do you call that flower with the long stem and thorns?"
"You mean a rose?"
"Yes, that's it!" He turned to his wife.... "Rose, what was the name of that clinic?"
